The Leonard Family: 2014

For the past couple of weeks, months even, I've hidden from everything and everyone. Blinds closed, curtains drawn, hardly ever leave the apartment, deactivate my Facebook kind of hiding. I'm not really sure when it started but something triggered it. Something that to anyone else would be trivial and petty and easily brushed off and ignored. But here's the thing, when you are battling depression that is so physically, emotionally and spiritually crippling you can't separate the little things from the big things because they are all big things.
I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager. I've been on this medication and that one. In fact, I've pretty much been constantly medicated in some form or another for nearly the past 15 years - pregnancy and breastfeeding aside. I've been seen by psychologists and psychiatrists. I've been to family therapists, trauma therapists, LDS therapists. For those of you who don't know much about my life I suppose you could say that I sound like a crazy person.
Through all of that though, I have never felt as low as I do lately. I've somehow gotten myself into a place that is so dark and twisty that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I feel broken. Like all of my past and all of my present have flooded every inch of me with negative self doubt and insecurity. Why? I don't know. It could be a postpartum thing. It could be a PTSD thing. It could be a two-years-away-from-turning-thirty thing. Who knows?
If I examine all of the things in my life that I regret or that I am afraid of or that I usually try not to remember, the running theme seems to be that I have felt that I have been unheard. And I'm angry about it.
My solution? Hide from the world and isolate myself. Drive my husband crazy with worry with uncharacteristically impulsive decisions that are harmful and damaging. Appear unapproachable and prickly. Flake on friends and family just to lay on the couch all day and eat candy and get fat. Obviously it's not a good long term plan.
My father-in-law said something to my husband that made a lot of sense to me. He said that dealing with depression isn't as simple as we think it should be. Just taking an anti-depressant isn't the answer. That's only twenty percent of the answer. Going to therapy is maybe another twenty percent. Eating healthily and exercising often is say fifteen percent. Making time to do things you enjoy is another ten percent. Getting enough sleep - fifteen percent. Spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself is twenty percent.
I've got a lot of work to do to pull myself out of this. I guess what I'm saying is please be patient with me.

I haven't posted anything new in a quite a while. We've been so busy. Let's see, in chronological order:
I recovered from surgery really well. If only I could recover from the surgery's sticker shock. Ha. We could easily buy a new car with the money we have to put towards paying it off. It's worth it though. I can bend and twist and tie my shoes without wanting to cry. I'm slowing working up to exercising regularly. Michael and I invested in a spin bike and we love it.
Several young moms that I attend church with started a weekly playgroup. I was invited when Emerson was first born but I was always a little too shy to attend so I made up excuse after excuse. When I was recovering from surgery I decided that I should just try being brave and host a playgroup get together at my house. I really needed to make some new friends. Seriously the best thing I've ever done. I love my playgroup mommies. We've turned it into a bi-weekly thing. We have also started exercising together. And we go out for ladies night whenever one of us has a birthday. Michael and I hosted a Christmas party at the lake house for all of the girls and their spouses and it was so much fun! I love sharing a comradery with girls that can relate to everything that's going on in my life. I feel so supported and loved and it's so great.
I celebrated my 27th birthday at the end of October. I'm way closer to 30 than I'd like to be but there's a real sense that I'm settling into my life and it's nice. Michael is great at birthday surprises as always. I had class the night of my actual birthday so we celebrated a few days before. Even though that was really wonderful I did feel a little gloomy on my actual birthday because the day felt so unimportant. When I got home from class that night I walked into our bedroom and there were flowers on my nightstand. What a romantic guy!!!
Two weeks later we celebrated our 2 year anniversary by going out to dinner and picking out new sheets and a new duvet and cover. It's kind of fun that we didn't do individual gifts but instead invested in something nice for the both of us to enjoy. It felt very grown up.
Finals week was the at the beginning of December. It was stressful for both of us but we both did really well. I had been working hard for weeks on my final project for art class - the alphabet project. It turned out really well and I got the highest grade in the class on it. Was pretty proud considering I was on crutches for half of it and the other half had to drag the baby around with me. For those of you who haven't gotten to check it out you can look at it here.
Christmas was absolutely my favorite thing ever. We stayed home for Christmas this year and spent it with Michael's family. All of his siblings and their families were able to come - with the exception of his sister's husband. It was so fun to play games and visit with everyone. I really felt at peace. And so happy. It felt like how Christmas with family should feel. It's probably the first Christmas since my mom passed away that I felt whole. I still missed seeing my family but it was really comforting to know that I fit in so well with Michael's. Emerson didn't really get as excited about opening gifts as we did picking them out. We spoiled him rotten, of course. That's what first Christmases are all about, right?
Michael and I decided to use the Christmas money we got this year to buy a used DSLR Canon Rebel so that I don't have to rent one from the school anymore. I am so excited. We got such a good deal on the camera we picked out. Can't wait for it to get here!!!
I'm taking winter quarter off. Last quarter was really hard on Michael with my surgery and having me go to school 4 nights a week. I also am having trouble getting in-state tuition. We moved here in November 2012 but I can't actually legally prove I lived here until February 2013. I didn't want to get a new license when we moved because I was a huge pregnant balloon. We also didn't register our car in Washington until the tabs expired in February because we were lazy and cheap. Paying for that mistake now though. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I won't be getting my AFA degree before Michael gets into vet school and that's okay. His education is most important and I'm in no hurry. I will be starting back up in the spring however and sticking to mostly online classes. The photography classes will have to be on hold but that's another reason we got the camera now. I can work on developing my skills outside of class and be that much more prepared to resume taking them in the fall.
Michael and I were recently called to teach primary together. It's nice because we are able to trade off who teaches the lesson and who gets to entertain Emerson. The baby still has a hard time with 3 consecutive hours of church - it always seems to be right in the middle of his morning or afternoon nap no matter when we go. Teaching the 9 and 10 years olds is really humbling. They teach us more often than we teach them. It's fun to have a calling together though.
I'm travelling to the Tri-Cities this weekend to visit my family since I was unable to see them at Christmas. It'll be just Emerson and I going since Michael has already started school. I haven't had to be completely on my own with the baby for 4 days straight so we'll see how that goes. I also haven't been away from Michael that long since we've been married. Should be pretty interesting.
Speaking of our little guy, Emerson is almost 10 months old!!! Can't believe how much he's grown. He has two top teeth and two bottom teeth now. He eats solid food pretty regularly. Loves graham crackers and Cheerios. He's so close to being able to crawl. He rocks back and forth on his hands and knees but doesn't have the confidence to push off and go just yet. He sleeps in the nursery at night now. He takes his baths in the big tub. He outgrows clothes faster than we can buy them. He can say "mama" and "dada" and generally gets them right when addressing us. He likes to squeal when he's happy and he sometimes growls to get our attention. He likes to flirt with everybody and will smile at anyone who looks at him. We sure do love our little monster!!!